I had a dream that I had the wrong time, on my phone display, on the radio clock, on the computer, even on the wall clock. None of them were in sync and I couldn't tell which one was the real time. I panicked, have I missed the whole day? Have I been sleeping that long? Now what could that mean? I think I am sick and stuck at home because I am being punished for not making time to write sooner.
I came here to Toronto almost 6 years ago in search of the most elusive work-life balance. I remember the time when I used to work 12-hour days back in Manila. I come to work by 7:00 am to beat the traffic and leave at 7:00 pm to avoid the rush hour. Otherwise, travel time could easily takeover your day. Sometimes I don't go home straightaways in favor of an event or a work-related function. It was work almost 24/7. My cell phone could go off at any given time and it didn't matter whether I was on vacation or out of the country even. Work was what defined my being. Of course I was paid well, better than the average Juan that is. But in the end, even that didn't matter.
I left to breakaway from that lifestyle. It wasn't easy striking if off in Canada. There were locals with university and college degrees who spoke better English to contend with. There were the other immigrants who had a do or die attitude. While I just wanted to ease myself into a new life. I worked as a barista in Starbucks for about a year. Feeling sorry for myself for my measly pay cheque but enjoying the flexibility of part-time work.
Through the years, I learned that I was surrounded by people who struggle to find their work-life balance as well. And have I found it? That is a good question to ask on a day like this. I've been away from work since Monday for a brief vacation and I was scheduled to be back to work on Thursday. Instead, on Wednesday afternoon, somewhere between Minneapolis and Toronto, a virus struck my insides. When we got home, I had managed to eat one piece of chicken, downed 1 extra strength Tylenol and found my way to the couch. I took a nap, hoping no one would notice that I wasn't feeling well. It took a lot of effort to get up, brush my teeth, get changed and move to my bed. The next morning I couldn't get out of bed. That was my only sick rule. If I was too sick to get out of bed, then I should definitely stay home. This was one of the rare occasions when I had to abide by that rule. I spent most of yesterday in bed. Found enough energy to go to the doctor at 2:45 pm, pick up the dog who stayed with my brother's family while we were away, then found my way back to my bed after that. Getting up for dinner was a battle. But it had to be done. Better to take medication with a full stomach or so they say.
They said the virus will need 3-4 days to run its full course. Who am I to fight this? I wanted to go to work today, my last chance to try to catch up on work that's probably been piling on my desk since Monday. But I woke up with a headache and some pain on various parts of my body. The fever comes and goes with the extra strength Tylenol. But my itchy throat and stuffy nose couldn't find any relief unless I stood up. This was a no win situation. I woke up, decided to stay home today, went back to sleep and now feeling slightly better only because I had let go of the fight.
I think there will be days when Work will win over Life and vice versa. Then there will be rare occasion when everything will be in perfect balance. I live for those moments. Right now, Life is taking over. I have my work laptop right beside me but I haven't even managed to turn it on and check my emails. Because at this point, there's nothing much I can do but wait till Monday to get back in the game.
Some people say toxins and what we eat shortens our life. Some say smoking can cause all sorts of diseases. But I think stress is the leading cause of killer diseases. Some studies show that stress can awaken otherwise dormant cancer cells. Heart attacks are triggered by stress, 9 out of 10. Now I can't say we should avoid stress all together because that's probably next to impossible. But if there was a way to manage stress by learning when to let go or by leaving all the work behind as you leave your workplace, wouldn't that be ideal? Wouldn't it be good to have something to look forward to when the workday is done? Like spending time doing the things you love most or doing absolutely nothing with the people you love most? Perhaps that is the work-life balance we are all looking for.
Even the dog knows best, he has taken over my bed and gone back to sleep. I should do the same shortly and try to regain my health to 100%. This has been a week of milestones. Reaching the age of 40. Taking a trip for a real vacation and nothing more, no funerals to attend, no other obligations to meet. Also, I signed up a few months ago for the Healing Cycle, which is taking place on Sunday. I have even downgraded my distance to 10 km to ride with the kiddies. If I can even make it to the ride, if I'm well enough that is, in whatever distance, that alone would be a milestone. The beginning of a new chapter in this journey to a long and happy life.
I was in that dreadful state June of last year (aba anniversary na ng dark days ko). I almost killed myself because of work. I got diagnosed, cancerous symptoms were shooting up sky high. One cry would break me down into pieces, i wouldn't be able to breathe, nor move my legs and arms. My neck would be throbbing in so much pain. All because i was living in so much stress my feeble body can contain. Then i quit. Some people thought i made a huge mistake giving up the career it took me three years to build. And even sillyness to give it up at the peak of everything work-wise. But no thank you. I don't want to be a corporate slave to a jerk of a foreign boss who don't even know that holidays are for family and me-time. It was my first job and i got so naive following their every whims because i thought i was doing the right thing. Right thing, for them, i realized, but not for me. I was only twenty-three but i was having the hells upon my shoulders like a job-hungry thirty year old. I made the right decision. I don't care if my ex-boss says i demoted myself. I may not be earning the same as before, but i'm happier. And i can paint more now. And my health is getting better. I had my freedom back. I may be back from the scratch, restarting my life and struggling, but that's the joy of things. The struggle towards the things that matter and you love most. Running en route to your dream goals.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that we shouldn't let the Work took over Life. It should just teeter-totter with the right balance. And even if one side pivots up, it should always be Life. :)
I admire you at forty. Some women dread the number. But you embrace it gracefully. :)
Ps. Get well soon! Yeah, let your bed win over! hahah, just rest and be rosy again.
Much love! :*
Hey, LOVE is actually a form of stress. But the good kind. :) I think it's the only good thing about the S-word. Otherwise, they're all just under the category "Bad. Must avoid".
ReplyDeleteI guess stress and relaxation are a classic demonstration of my law of negatives. I have yet to write out the axioms and the conditions by which the law applies but briefly it's this- certain unfavorables must exist to give emphasis to the good things. Negatives underscore each other's character. Just as we must know what losing is like so victories would be so much sweeter. Yeah... something like that.
Going back to your situation, I guess stress is necessary for us to know how R & R are so important. And that if things were easy, we might never have something to look forward to. But you already said that. :)
So actually, the whole point of this mumbling might be this- I hope you get better na in time for the Healing Cycle. I distinctly remember your excitement over it when you signed up and the thoughtfulness of dedicating it to your friend (may God bless his soul). But don't force it, okay? We'd like you in tiptop shape above all. :)
Shucks, ang sabaw sabaw ko lang. I won't proofread this na as I have a good feeling I might end up deleting it altogether :))
Happy birthday again! :) And may your journey to 80 be as thrilling as how you got to where you are right now. :) Big, warm get-well-soon hug from Manila! >:D<