Saying Thank you to 2011

We take whatever piece of heaven we are given. Because the past 2 years, 2009 and 2010, have been quite challenging and downright difficult, I welcomed all the good things that 2011 brought. In the area of work and career, I have finally accepted my calling to work side-by-side with numbers. I should have known since I first fell in love with Geometry that I had the aptitude for logical thinking necessary for handling the big picture of cash management. I daresay I learned the skills along my treacherous career path and have found my niche. Perhaps, time-permitting, I may hone my skills further through certificate courses. But this is not a priority anymore.

I still long for the balance of family life and home-living, the other side of the scale that tends to be neglected like a middle child. There is much room for improvement in the coming year. I should minimize working extra hours on Saturdays. I should spend more time learning to cook some family recipes, such as adobo, kare-kare, menudo, chicken-in-beer, and all the Filipino dishes that are part of special occasions in our home. I know that new year's resolutions are always a sure fire way of setting oneself up for failure. So these are not resolutions like writing people more or calling my Other-Mom more often. No we will not call it that at all.

As for that piece of heaven, which tips the scale even further, I am closing my eventful year quite aptly in New York City. Away from work and still checking (and replying to) work emails while person-who-makes-me-smile is still sleeping in. No, things aren't meant to change overnight, and yet I'm happy just knowing that he is here on the same timezone, in the same city, standing on the same piece of heaven. Who can think of tomorrow when today is just as promising?

My Boring Life

Because I don’t know where to start, I’ll just start right in the middle. That’s where I want you to be. In the middle, in the midst, of my daily life. Not my rants and raves. Just right in the middle of my boring suburbia life. Why? Because I fought long and hard to get to this spot. That’s right – this boring spot.

Most recently, I turned 40. At first nothing changed, I felt exactly how I felt between 30 and 39. But soon after, I started creating this manifesto in my head. What have I done at 40? What have I really accomplished? I’m single, no children, no actual responsibilities other than being an occasional reluctant accidental workaholic.

I stare at myself in the mirror. Wondering where is that 21 year old me, the one who came fresh out of university wanting to save the world? In a more basic level, where is that 21 year old body of mine. I lost her halfway to 40. I wish I could say these were just numbers. But the numbers on my weighing scale were more difficult to ignore and shrug off as just numbers.

So quite recently, and perhaps not so by accident this time, I discovered a gym right in between where I work and where I live. So guess what, I signed up. Thinking this is how I will find my 21 year old mirror me, hopefully in my 41 year old me.

So lately I find myself working with a purpose. I need to focus on work during work. Then at precisely 6:00 pm I leave all the stress behind on my desk, including my work laptop and head to the gym. Twice a week I see my personal trainer. He pushes. I feel no strain, I tell him I need more. Because I am driven. There are many reasons for this. Some things I can tell you. But some things remain very private, even if I know this is my blog. Precisely because this is my blog. I know some things remain in my offline, unwired life, where real living happens. So let me tell you the many reasons why I am trying to claim my body back.

I want to do my 100 km bike ride for my 41^st birthday. Because I know I can do it, even if the longest I have ever done was a 60 km ride. I only know I can do this because I really want to badly.

I want to conquer my hypertension and my high cholesterol levels that are both built-in in my DNA. In 2009, just so suddenly, I developed high-blood pressure. It was stress induced, for sure, but also because I already had it in me. It ran deeply in my family tree, and age didn’t matter at all. So I take medication to control it. But also, I need to watch what I eat on a regular basis.

I want to fight cancer. That too is built-in in my genes. It scares me. Because it happens to people I know. I don’t ever ever want it to happen to me.

I want to lose 30 lbs. I want to look at the mirror and like what I see. I mean really like what I see. Further, I want to fit into that little black dress and be able to turn heads.

Right at the end of last winter, I adopted the most gorgeous long-haired mini dachshund. Such a long name for a wiener dog. At the end of the day, he is happiest when I step inside the door. He has the shortest legs you have ever seen on a dog, but boy can he run. He runs every night, indoors. He is small and our 2^nd floor is long. He is lucky that way. I want to be able to not just take him for walks on weekends, I want to run with him and play with him at the park. Running. That I think is his second happiest thing.

Because my dog is a runner, I need to be a runner. In less than a week, I have taken on two fitness challenges. I’m helping a colleague at work to reach her personal goal, that is to run a marathon. So I told her that she should start with the first milestone. Yesterday we both signed up to do a 5 km run by May 2012. Easy-peasy? Not for me, the reason why I ride the bike is because I don’t like to run. But who says I can’t start now? The other fitness challenge I accepted happened earlier on last weekend. A dear friend of mine promised that if I vow to do a 10 km run, in return he will train for his first triathlon. And today, unbeknownst to my trainer, we started with 30 second interval runs on the treadmill. So I told him tonight that I signed up for the 5 km segment for the Mississauga Marathon. He said he’s training for the same event as well, for half or full? I didn’t ask. I was more bothered that since I’ve told him, now I have to train for it for real.

Then comes my dream goals. There are three: roller-blading, snowboarding and the 200 km ride for the Ride to Conquer Cancer that finishes at Niagara Falls.

Then comes my real life goals. One which is unspeakable as my heart only knows. And the other is this: I want to be an adoptive mother to an orphan child before I’m 50 and be up to the physical challenges of keeping up with a child.

After all is said and done, I may or may not reach my goals or realize my dreams, however, I want to live over 80 fighting to make them real.

Stepping Up

Two days ago, I unleashed the Hulk in me at work. Who can forget that famous line, "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry," from childhood? When I accepted my new post nearly four months ago, I asked that I not take on the managerial responsibilities so I can concentrate on mastering the tasks of cash management and other financial matters. I thought doing that would isolate me from supervising other staff but I was merely being myopic about the matter because everything and almost everyone's jobs related back to me.

One particular thing has become my pet peeve and I'm not just being whimsical about it. Day in and day out our one cash register was always out of balance. 98% percent of the time. Retail sales figures about 7% of total monthly sales. However, cash and other cash-related payments from sales by our sales reps are also rung through that one till. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but we're no Wal-Mart in terms of daily volume, so is it too much to ask to balance the cash out at the end of the day? It's not a matter of not having enough cash, it's a matter of recording all sales transactions. So for the nth time last Wednesday, I was receiving an incomplete report. I'm not making any excuses, though I may have been exhausted, at 5 minutes to going home, I blew my top. There were 2 staff left at the retail showroom. After rejecting the report, I screamed an expletive to no one in particular. Surprised with myself and slightly worried if I was turning bipolar. I quickly packed and left with a gruff goodbye, brushing off the one staff's apologies.

I felt sick losing control. I'm usually Steady Eddy. Back in the day, I would have went straight away to find a priest. Instead, I went straight home and did my own examination of conscience.

I was turning into ugh a manager.

The next morning, the senior retail staff, the other person present when I reprimanded the younger staff, came to see me. She wanted to have a word about the incident. I was ready to stand my ground in case she defended the other. Since every front staff was also guilty of the deed on a regular basis. I was relieved to find out that she agreed with me and that her not getting involved in the matter meant that I was on the right track. Yet I still apologized for losing my patience.

Later in the day, I called in the younger staff into my office. I wanted to give her tips on how to avoid her mistakes or how to solve her own problems. I had to explain that my backtracking their every move was not only a waste of my time and energy, but more that it was part of their job to be detailed and focused.

She left after promising never to commit the same mistakes again. I felt something foreign. I was beginning to sound like ugh a parent. Memories from childhood was sneaking from my subconscious. My mother telling me after a long scolding, "you understand why we're doing this right? It's because we love you."

So at 5 minutes to closing, I had such high hopes until I heard those dreaded words. My heart sank. She was out of balance. Once again. I let out a deep sigh. Told her and her supervisor that every mistake they make comes off of total retail sales. I was resorting to punishment. Suddenly I had aged in less than 24 hours. From an ugly green monster, to a nurturing parent. Somewhere in between, I suppose, is a good manager and leader.

Journey to 80

I had a dream that I had the wrong time, on my phone display, on the radio clock, on the computer, even on the wall clock. None of them were in sync and I couldn't tell which one was the real time. I panicked, have I missed the whole day? Have I been sleeping that long? Now what could that mean? I think I am sick and stuck at home because I am being punished for not making time to write sooner.

I came here to Toronto almost 6 years ago in search of the most elusive work-life balance. I remember the time when I used to work 12-hour days back in Manila. I come to work by 7:00 am to beat the traffic and leave at 7:00 pm to avoid the rush hour. Otherwise, travel time could easily takeover your day. Sometimes I don't go home straightaways in favor of an event or a work-related function. It was work almost 24/7. My cell phone could go off at any given time and it didn't matter whether I was on vacation or out of the country even. Work was what defined my being. Of course I was paid well, better than the average Juan that is. But in the end, even that didn't matter.

I left to breakaway from that lifestyle. It wasn't easy striking if off in Canada. There were locals with university and college degrees who spoke better English to contend with. There were the other immigrants who had a do or die attitude. While I just wanted to ease myself into a new life. I worked as a barista in Starbucks for about a year. Feeling sorry for myself for my measly pay cheque but enjoying the flexibility of part-time work.

Through the years, I learned that I was surrounded by people who struggle to find their work-life balance as well. And have I found it? That is a good question to ask on a day like this. I've been away from work since Monday for a brief vacation and I was scheduled to be back to work on Thursday. Instead, on Wednesday afternoon, somewhere between Minneapolis and Toronto, a virus struck my insides. When we got home, I had managed to eat one piece of chicken, downed 1 extra strength Tylenol and found my way to the couch. I took a nap, hoping no one would notice that I wasn't feeling well. It took a lot of effort to get up, brush my teeth, get changed and move to my bed. The next morning I couldn't get out of bed. That was my only sick rule. If I was too sick to get out of bed, then I should definitely stay home. This was one of the rare occasions when I had to abide by that rule. I spent most of yesterday in bed. Found enough energy to go to the doctor at 2:45 pm, pick up the dog who stayed with my brother's family while we were away, then found my way back to my bed after that. Getting up for dinner was a battle. But it had to be done. Better to take medication with a full stomach or so they say.

They said the virus will need 3-4 days to run its full course. Who am I to fight this? I wanted to go to work today, my last chance to try to catch up on work that's probably been piling on my desk since Monday. But I woke up with a headache and some pain on various parts of my body. The fever comes and goes with the extra strength Tylenol. But my itchy throat and stuffy nose couldn't find any relief unless I stood up. This was a no win situation. I woke up, decided to stay home today, went back to sleep and now feeling slightly better only because I had let go of the fight.

I think there will be days when Work will win over Life and vice versa. Then there will be rare occasion when everything will be in perfect balance. I live for those moments. Right now, Life is taking over. I have my work laptop right beside me but I haven't even managed to turn it on and check my emails. Because at this point, there's nothing much I can do but wait till Monday to get back in the game.

Some people say toxins and what we eat shortens our life. Some say smoking can cause all sorts of diseases. But I think stress is the leading cause of killer diseases. Some studies show that stress can awaken otherwise dormant cancer cells. Heart attacks are triggered by stress, 9 out of 10. Now I can't say we should avoid stress all together because that's probably next to impossible. But if there was a way to manage stress by learning when to let go or by leaving all the work behind as you leave your workplace, wouldn't that be ideal? Wouldn't it be good to have something to look forward to when the workday is done? Like spending time doing the things you love most or doing absolutely nothing with the people you love most? Perhaps that is the work-life balance we are all looking for.

Even the dog knows best, he has taken over my bed and gone back to sleep. I should do the same shortly and try to regain my health to 100%. This has been a week of milestones. Reaching the age of 40. Taking a trip for a real vacation and nothing more, no funerals to attend, no other obligations to meet. Also, I signed up a few months ago for the Healing Cycle, which is taking place on Sunday. I have even downgraded my distance to 10 km to ride with the kiddies. If I can even make it to the ride, if I'm well enough that is, in whatever distance, that alone would be a milestone. The beginning of a new chapter in this journey to a long and happy life.